John The Terrible

Being the only male in a house with a mother in law, a wife, a daughter and a granddaughter can be very challenging. Any man that has lived with an assortment of women that spans over 75 years can attest to the ongoing learning cycle required if a man is to survive.



It's a little like having a gun pointed at you roughly 18 hours a day by people that could go crazy at any moment. Sorta like being surrounded by female Jack Nicholsons at a LA Lakers game.


You know with absolute certainty that one of them will go off, you just don't know when.

The rules change hourly, what you did an hour ago is no longer permissible, perfectly sane women can start hating everyone, each other and everything for the slightest reason. The Lifetime channel plays on the TV all day and every story seems to have Merideth Baxter Byrney in it, and she invariably has a no good cheating husband that makes a victim of her, (but she always gets even in the end). If a guy wants to watch sports he has to do it in the bedroom, as long as his wife isn't in there huddled under one of her mothers quilts sniffling over Meredeth's latest struggle against an evil man.


It is important to one's survival to find and exploit the weaknesses of the women-folk. I mean this in the nicest way, of course.

For example:

• As mean as they can be upon occasion, they can't seem to resist hugging a guy holding a baby. So grab the youngest one of them and strap it to your chest with duct tape. This way they view you as sensitive and cut you some slack.

• Wear your tool belt. Even if you have no intention of fixing anything. This reminds them of how mean and profane you got that time that you hammered your thumb trying to hang a picture for them. They only like conflict if they start it, so you'll be safe for a while.

• Feign deafness. This one takes time. If they all truly believe that you can't hear very well they will talk about you even if you're in the room, and you'll discover what it was that you did wrong. I have been "deaf" for nearly 20 years, and this has saved me many times.

I have many more tips, but I believe that getting there is half the journey. If you follow the above examples, especially the last one, you'll always be on top of the situation and you will have a running start when the mob of angry Amazonian War-Witches get their hormones out of whack.

Do feel free to share your own stories and ideas.

Until then all I can say is:

"HUH?"