I suppose I should call this "How to lose a pound and get a lot of attention doing it", but since I'm calling attention to myself concerning the pound I lost, it seems self serving to talk about it, yet, here I am talking about it, calling attention to myself, and all because I lost a pound and seek the attention I crave for losing it!
(WOW - I said that all in one breath ! How desperate I must be !)
As I sit here, some two weeks after losing a pound, I finally feel like talking about it. It's been less than an easy journey and it certainly pushed my resolve to its maximum test.
Okay, I will let you in on the secret of losing a pound, as I am sure you are wondering how I achieved such a miraculous feat. It was so simple I'm not sure why it took me 56 years to think of it. In fact, it is so simple a child could do it, although I would not recommend that children undertake this extreme measure. For one; who cares if a kid is chubby, and secondly; it is somewhat dangerous. Even hazardous to one's health if not properly executed.
(Offer not valid in MA, KY or AZ. Some restrictions apply. Batteries not included. Action figure sold separately. If you have an erection lasting longer than four hours see your physician at once)
First, you go to special centers where they collect gallons and gallons and gallons of your pee. Yes, your pee. Enough pee in fact to fill approximately twenty-seven of those cheap children's swimming pools you buy at Kmart for about $10. The ones that blow away when the autumn winds come, but that's OK, you wont be using the swimming pools when it's cold anyway, especially if you used it to collect your pee.
These special centers also extract a hell of a lot of blood from you over a period of months. I have given as many as 12 vials in a single sitting. I must advise you that giving this much blood can cause dizziness, goofiness, and erectile dysfunction (although that never happens to me).
Time and time again they draw your blood, label it, and send it off to specialists to be analyzed. By the time you have completed this process everyone in the world knows about your midnight Oreo binges, how much tequila you slam down on the weekends, and approximately how many sexual partners you have had in the last 30 years. One good byproduct of all this blood testing is that you pretty much know exactly where you stand physically. Another benefit is that all this expensive testing can be yours absolutely free !
If all your pee pee and your blood passes the mustard, you then move onto step two. You get Xrays, MRIs, CT Scans, CIA, FBI, NBC and DUI's, physical examinations, heart and lung tests, brain scans, you name it, you get it all.
Then, as a bonus feature, you get to speak with psychologists and case workers to determine if you are mentally stable enough to lose this pound safely. They will drill you with lots of tricky questions and you must remain on your guard if you hope to fool them into thinking you are not a complete babbling fool for wanting to lose this pound.
"Did you ever fantasize about having sex with a llama?", "Do you ever consider suicide?", "Do you ever wet the bed?". "Poop the bed?", stuff like that.
If all goes well a panel of judges with various titles sit in closed session and pick your file to pieces. No one really knows what they do in there. My guess is they tell dirty jokes and at the end they flip a coin to see if you get to lose the pound or not.
Depending on the coin toss you may be sent home with excuses like; "We think you are a depressed schizophrenic with narcissistic tendencies and delusions of grandeur" or "your ass is too big". Whatever. In my case they said; "Okay, if you're crazy enough to agree to it we approve you to lose a pound" and they give you a date for the commencement.
My date was October 12th, 2010.
One day prior to this date I was ordered to report to the "Lose a Pound - Gain a Pound Facility" sharply at 12 noon. As it turns out, a friend of mine wished to gain a pound. He had gone through similar testing and was consequently approved to gain a pound, and he was asked to report to the facility at the same time.
Here we are.
Note the look of sheer terror on my face. (Left)
After some legal formalities, (sign here, and here, initial there and there, check this box, initial it, open your mouth so I can take a swab of your DNA, close your mouth, sign here...) we were both finally escorted to our rooms and asked to make ourselves comfortable, perhaps even wear pajamas if we liked. The dress code at the facility is very relaxed. Here is a picture immediately after arriving at the facility.
As you can see, I, (for some unexplained reason) was smiling now. As an added bonus the people at the "Lose a Pound - Gain a Pound Facility" gave us some very cool multi-colored wristbands, and not your everyday "WWJD" or "Peace" wristbands, but ones with bar codes, our actual printed names, the words "Fall Risk", "Allergic to Penicillin" and other cool sayings.
Lots of people came to visit the two of us and they hugged us a lot and for some reason they kept calling me stuff like "hero" and "heaven sent". I don't know what got into everybody, but I was really enjoying the attention.
The fella on the right even prayed for us. That was pretty cool.
That night they let us watch television and gave us some pills that helped us get to sleep real fast. I was quite comfortable ! I do however, have one complaint. They neglected to give us any food to eat except for some water. I thought that was a bit extreme, but hey, overall it was cool being fussed over by lots of women in white hosiery and comfortable shoes.
The next morning they woke me up at 5:am.
No shit. 5.AM !
I'm not much of a morning person but I managed to read the paper and watch some T.V., but all along I had a strange feeling that something weird was going to happen soon. I just couldn't shake it.
At precisely 6:am some fella in pajamas and a ladies hairnet came into my room and asked me to put on a dress with no back in it. I felt a little odd standing there with my ass hanging out for all the world to see, but after a couple minutes I began to sorta like the attention the ladies in the white hosiery and comfortable shoes were giving me. My wife always told me I had a pretty nice man-butt, and I assumed this was her way of showing me off to all the ladies. Soon the guy in the pajamas and the hairnet told me to lay back down in the bed. I did as he asked and he immediately wheeled me away, bed and all, to the elevator. I thought "Cool. I'm going to get a free tour of the facility!"
In a few minutes i was rolled into another room that had a bunch of cool lights, blinking screens that went beep-beep-beep, and everyone was wearing pajamas and hairnets and cool rubber gloves. At first I wondered if the rubber gloves meant I was going to get the dreaded "bend over and sing Moon River" test, and I was wearing an assless dress, but I asked one of the people about it and they assured me that there would be no such exam today, so I felt a little better.
Then some fella came over to me and asked me if I was ready to go sleepy-time. I explained to him I had already slept all night and I was actually looking forward to some breakfast. Possibly some bacon and egg......... whoops, I was getting drowsy ......
Why you SONOFABI....
Zzzzzzzzzz (Fade to BLACK)
For all I know they put me into suspended animation and shot me to Mars and back. I awoke later hoping that the dress I was wearing with my ass hanging out wasn't so they could roll me over and engage in some sick game where the straight guy finally gets his comeuppance for all the gay jokes he's told in the past. I looked around the room and a 300 lb black lady in pajamas and a pink hairnet approached me and began taking my pulse. I asked if I was dead. She smiled nicely and said "not yet".
(Not the actual doctor)
"Would you like to see your friend Mr Booth?" One guy asked.
"Friend? What Friend?..."
That was the best I could do because I was still terribly sleepy.
The guy rolled me down a long cold hall and into another room where I recognized the face of my friend laying in a bed identical to mine. My friend gave me a weak 'Thumbs-up' and pointed to a clear plastic bag hanging on the side of his bed. The bag was full of bright shiny pee pee. For a brief moment I wondered why they were giving my friend a whiz transfusion, but then it was pointed out to me that it was his pee in the bag. I thought 'Big deal, I can do that five or six times a day if I wanted too', but then I remembered vaguely why we were both here in this place, and what we were doing.
You see, my friend couldn't pee right for a long time. In fact his condition was so bad, before this "Lose a Pound - Gain a Pound Procedure" they had to hook him up to machines several times a week and change his oil, all because he couldn't pee right.
I returned a thumbs-up the best I could considering my brain was still in la-la-land and I was preoccupied with what may or may not have happened to my butthole while I was in suspended animation. The Pajamaman then rolled me back to my room.
Once securely locked in place with bed rails up, somebody explained that if I pushed this little red button I would get doses of happy-juice, and that I could push it all I wanted to. I like to be happy so I pushed it a lot. It made me feel very happy, but it kinda made me look like I was dead. Thank God I had my blue sunglasses so even if I was dead I still looked cool.
So I slept for a while. Then I went to sleep. After that I decided to take a nap. After my nap I fell asleep. Then, courtesy of the little red button, I went to sleep again. After that I took another nap, followed by going to sleep just before I took another nap.
Then, finally someone had the common sense to take the little red happy-juice button away from me and I ultimately woke up.
You might be asking yourself; "Why is this Goober smiling?" Well, remember that tube they put in my Dragon Slayer? I realized another one of my life's ambitions. To be able to lay in bed and whiz to my heart's content without even having to get up! This was way cool and I wish I could have kept the tube in there forever. I don't want to show you the picture my wife took when they pulled the tube out because looking at it makes me want to cry like a 6 year old girl whose brother just posed her Malibu Barbie naked with a G.I.Joe at her slumber party, and not just any G.I.Joe, but the one with the imitation real 5:O'clock shadow and the Kung-Fu Grip.
It's humiliating how a full grown man can be reduced to snotting-sobbery over such a "little" thing.
Later the next day I took this picture of my friend. I'm posting it mostly just to embarrass him, but to also remind myself that if I ever find myself in one of these backless dresses again, I DO have the option of wearing underwear.
SO, There you have it. How to lose a pound in just one day. Simply give a kidney away. You get lots of drugs, you are doted over by lots of women in white hosiery and comfortable shoes, everyone is so relaxed that most just wear their pajamas to work, someone you care about gets to stay alive and not be hooked up to a Jiffy-Lube machine several times a week, and best of all, people hug you a lot and call you nice names.
"One pound of flesh, no more, no less. No cartilage, no bone, but only flesh."
I believe Dante said that, but to me it seems so much more. I get to feel good, no, strike that. I get to feel Great every day about myself. I may not ever rule the world or discover cures for what ails us. I may or may not have gone to Mars on an amazing adventure, and I may or may not have been anally assaulted, but what I do have is the knowledge that at least once in my tiny little insignificant life, I did something for someone that impacted their life forever in a positive way.
Life for my friend and I is slowly returning to normal. We're going to be out there doing what we love to do and in reasonable health. We consider ourselves very lucky that the two of us could take this fascinating and courageous journey together, weather the storms, slay the dragons, and return in one piece to revel in our victory.
Knowing that has made this journey one I will cherish forever.
Ya'll take care of one another out there.
Peace.
John
