MOM, IS DAD A MIDGET?

You know, as a Daddy you get used to a certain respect and reverence from your children. As they grow up they always seem to look at you as if you were the biggest strongest and most powerful ATM machine in the world. They firmly believe for a time that Daddy can leap tall buildings in a single bound, that he could chew up Mount Rushmore and spit out driveway gravel, and protect them from 10 foot grizzly bears if necessary.

That's right. In their little eyes this is what we look like ...

for a minute.

I remember when my daughter was around 8 years old. I took her up in a Cessna 2 place airplane for a little spin over the San Francisco Bay, scathing the rooftop of our house and doing a fly-by over some windmills. She was, to say the least, elated. I decided to let her handle the controls for a few minutes so I climbed up to about 8,000 feet, got the plane trim and level and told her to have fun. In her excitement and in under 5 seconds this little 8 year old had that Cessna nearly inverted in a flat spin and careening toward Mother Earth in a deadly stall. She was insane with joy. I was dropping Hershey's Kisses in my shorts. I took the controls back and established altitude, then attitude, and finally level flight. As I wiped the sweat from my face she excitedly yelled "Can we do it again Daddy?"

That's when I fully understood what she thought of dear ole' Dad. With me she was safe. No harm could ever come to her, not as long as Daddy was there. I was superhuman in her eyes. A Boeing 747 could have screamed by and she would have expected me to race it and win. My son was similar at that age. If he were on my motorcycle with me all I would hear was "Faster Daddy. Faster!"

But alas, those days are gone.

My son, now a full foot-and-a half taller than me has to come help dear ole' Dad with the simplest of things, and my daughter, well, this is what I look like to her.

No, in their eyes I'm not so big and strong anymore.

My guess is that's why we have grandchildren. We can finally have some kids around that look up to us and see us as big and strong again. I don't know what it's like for women, and I wouldn't care to guess because from my experience it probably changes daily anyway, but for us old men, we tiny frail two-legged creatures with very small heads and ears with hair sprouting out of them, it is another chance to live. Another chance to thrive and to be somebody special through their trusting little eyes.

That's why we always carry quarters to "magically" pull out of their tiny ears, someone to play catch with or tea party with while Mommy and Daddy work like grandma and I did while they were young.

Besides, who else besides Grandpa has the patience or has earned the right to teach them one of the most important, time-held traditional basic principals of life such as ...

PULL MY FINGER ...


JB - 2010

OK - FOR THE LAST TIME I SHALL EXPLAIN MEN !

Long are the years I have been married, yet still I overhear my wife and her friends discussing how strange men are. No, we're not stupid. We're not like trained dogs that show up at a specific time every day when you put our food out for us (well, not entirely)

It is actually much simpler than that. You just have to understand a few basics about us and voila' - the mystery is over.

1. Food is very important to us. It is a leftover from our "hunter-gatherer" evolution.

We want it simple. We want it to be tasty, we do not care if it is healthy for us or not, and we want it now! Below are some examples of an ideal meal.

Or maybe something simpler like this...

Or this

Our Liquor should be a flavor we like, not that sweet red flaming junk with a paper umbrella and fruit crap.

And if we had our way gender roles would be VERY clearly defined

But they're not....



And although we really wish all women looked like this ...



we are perfectly aware that there is no such women in the real world, and the best we can hope for is ...



So we sometimes blow off a little steam...



But it's all in fun.
Rest assured if we didn't laugh at you and at ourselves,
we'd have been out of here a long time ago...



So ... The next time you see your guy looking at this...



Or reading this...



Or wishing he had one of these...



It's not because he doesn't love you,
or cherish you, or thank God every day for you,
I just gives him the strength he needs
at a time like this...



Any questions?

SO IT'S A BRAND NEW YEAR ! 2010

You know, very few things can bring out the secrets people have like a new years resolution or a few glasses of cheap champagne.

For example, people that really want to quit smoking, or are overweight, or have an addiction to fried Spam & eggs tend to resolve to fix their problems as the clock turns midnight.

Unfortunately when one wakes up the next morning needing a smoke, and hungry, coupled with a deadly hangover it's sometimes difficult to even remember the stuff we spouted last night, much less do it.

For married folks it is a little different. For example, last night at the stroke of midnight, I was looking for my kiss from the redhead, but instead I got the following statement:

"This year YOU are going to do this & that & this & that & the other thing, and while I'm at it you're also going to do this & that & this & that & the other thing !"

I'm asking myself, since when did her resolutions become my resolutions?

NO, NO, NO, I didn't slap her, (but I thought about it for a brief nan0-second) Instead of being angry it occurred to me that the things she was resolving for me were all healthy stuff, both mentally and physically.

Less coffee, more exercise, less fatty foods, less beer, more time out of my office, and all that kinda stuff. Stuff that could keep me around longer.

This means she must really really love me.

I must be important to her !

I guess in reality I'm a pretty lucky guy that she makes my New Years resolutions for me. I'd probably waste them on goofy crap like learning to parachute from a plane or break the world speed record on a Harley Davidson, or grow the longest mustache in Ohio history.

Well, I need to go get some Alka Seltzer and a bag of ice for my hungover Redhead because I care about her too. I am proclaiming her resolution to be less of the bubbly on future new years, and if she gets her way I'll be around to share them with her.

Take care of each other.