Being a Father Is Not A Popularity Contest

No folks, it is not easy being a dad. There are no instruction manuals, no solid advice, no TV channels dedicated to fathers, and certainly no rulebooks.

In my years of parenting I have determined three things for certain.

• Your wife cannot tell you, nor will she always agree with you, on the best way to handle problems with your kids.

• Being a good father will never make you popular.

• Your kids will undoubtedly let you know when you're doing something right !
  

When they grow up and make the winning touchdown, or win the "Little Miss Precious" award and the cameras are on them, the first damned thing they will say is "Hi Mom!"

That's OK, even tho we taught the boy how to catch the football, and we are the ones that told our little girls how precious they were from the moment they were born resulting in their accolades.

I grew up having no reason to like my dad. He was always the bad guy. The most dreaded words to come from my angry mother's mouth were "Just wait until your father gets home!" We all knew that death was arriving at precisely 5:20 pm and that we must get our affairs in order. As certainly as Monica Lewenski is the world's best known banana peeler, the old man would walk in, slam the black metal lunchbox down on the table and receive his orders from Mom. He would then take off his 10 inch wide, 7 foot long leather belt and climb the stairs to perform his fatherly duties. When it was all said and done my little brother and I would be sniveling on the edges of our beds and blame each other for getting a whoopin', and then we'd fight it out.

Funny, but Dad never once objected to us beating the hell out of each other.
Come to think of it neither did Mom...


Therefore I resolved at a very early age that I would never grow up to be like my father. That I would never whip my children. So far I have pretty well at keeping that resolution. I did however also resolve that when I grew up I would bring expensive toys home to my kids every night. That concept however never seemed to make it to fruition.

For me the hardest part of being a good Dad is having to do it on the same planet with their mother. We have yet to agree in 30 years the correct way to raise a child. She gets all hormonal and wants them killed, and I want to give them a few bucks and send them to the mall. Not exactly on the same page.


So, exactly what IS a good dad to do? I think it really comes down to one simple thing.

Be a better Dad than your own Father was.

It's really all we have to go by. Learn from your own father, improve upon it, and hope your kids do the same.

I know it seems simple, but your own father is really all the training you will get, and as you get older you will invariably made the sad discovery that your parents weren't perfect. That they were people too and that they made mistakes. It is a hard pill to swallow but it's true. If you take what you learned from them, and improve on it, then you have moved forward.

Who knows, maybe somehow, someday, in some far and distant time your future legacy will be that you were the keystone in the ultimate design of the perfect daddy.

Until then grit your teeth, take a deep breath, and go teach the boy how to catch a football and make his momma proud.

Really Really Dumbassed Ads & Stuff

I have always enjoyed seeing these on late night shows so I thought I would share a few that I have collected over time.

I'ts all good !






























SO - Got something to ad?

The Futility Of Craigslist Rants & Raves

I jumped on Craigslist Rants & Raves this morning to find out what people were arguing about. It's kind of a social thermometer that lets you know what Jack the Plumber and Jill the White House Correspondent are most concerned with in their lives.

They are almost always an unruly bunch that hide behind the anonymity of the World Wide Web, and the forum is called "Rants & Raves" so you come to expect a certain level of malcontent.

Usually they are raising hell about politics, religion, shoddy auto repair and the like, but today was different.

Although not a savory topic, someone posted the following request for information:

"IS MASTURBATION SEX?"

To with someone posted the following response:

"I DUNNO, WHY DON'T YOU COME JACK ME OFF AND I'LL LET YOU KNOW..."

Hence:

I DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO GET BACK ONTO CRAIGSLIST ANYMORE.

My Kids Are Abandoning Me

Yes, that terrible time is coming to pass. That time in my children's lives when they do to me as I did to my mom and dad. They are planning to move far away.

Admittedly they are not pursuing the distance I chose at their age, as I took my wife and baby from Ohio to San Francisco, but far enough that I will be lucky to see them every couple of weeks.

Somehow it seemed fair to me when I did it, but it seems cruel now that they are doing it.

The one that will lose the most is my granddaughter, Miss Leah. A fragile 9 month old baby girl that I foresee living life out in the boondocks wearing one of those goofy Amish bonnets and using a shovel to pitch hay (because a pitchfork is a symbol of the devil)

Just look at Papaw's precious little angel...


I call her my little "Butterfly" and am probably more in love with her than anyone else in the world. I suppose there is some justice in it all. I remember my mother begging me to come home and settle down but by then I had a whole new life. I had friends, a band, a job, shows to play, work to do and a daughter to raise. What they wanted or needed didn't seem important to me. I imagine that it was the most selfish time in my life and to this day I still regret it.

Furthermore, I have lost my authority in this matter as I am just the "Papaw" and not the "Daddy. That irks me. I am accustomed to calling the shots when it comes to my family, even if I screwed up a few times in the process.

OK, maybe I'm being a little dramatic about it, since they are looking at a house less than an hour away, but I am very accustomed to having all my girls at arms reach.

Last night I dreamed I bought a Cessna and was flying it to go see them. What the hell is wrong with me. Anything? Is this normal pre-separation anxiety? Why doesn't my wife want to join my side and help me champion the cause against the evil ones planning their escape from the family circle? Or are they trying to escape me?

Maybe I'll play the guilt card ! I'm not getting any younger ya know. I'll tell them all I am dying of some incurable disease and they'll have to stay close! I'll get a wheelchair and sit around looking all old and sickly ! That might just work !



Probably not. I raised my daughter hard as nails and she can be very determined when she wants to...


What is a Papaw to do? Shall I wait for the big "I told you so!" ? What if I don't live that long?

Do I put my foot down? She'd just laugh at me.

Do I abduct my granddaughter and hide out in Florida under an assumed name? Nah, I'm to small to go to jail and I would end up being Crazy Joe the 300 lb black wrestler's bitch.

I have no options here except to take my medicine I guess.


But I for one know there are worse things than being kicked in the balls. One day everyone you love is there by your side, loving each other, laughing with (or at) each other or crying with each other. It's a hard pill to swallow for a sentimental old man like me. Please excuse my indulgence as I share my weaker side.

John The Terrible

Being the only male in a house with a mother in law, a wife, a daughter and a granddaughter can be very challenging. Any man that has lived with an assortment of women that spans over 75 years can attest to the ongoing learning cycle required if a man is to survive.



It's a little like having a gun pointed at you roughly 18 hours a day by people that could go crazy at any moment. Sorta like being surrounded by female Jack Nicholsons at a LA Lakers game.


You know with absolute certainty that one of them will go off, you just don't know when.

The rules change hourly, what you did an hour ago is no longer permissible, perfectly sane women can start hating everyone, each other and everything for the slightest reason. The Lifetime channel plays on the TV all day and every story seems to have Merideth Baxter Byrney in it, and she invariably has a no good cheating husband that makes a victim of her, (but she always gets even in the end). If a guy wants to watch sports he has to do it in the bedroom, as long as his wife isn't in there huddled under one of her mothers quilts sniffling over Meredeth's latest struggle against an evil man.


It is important to one's survival to find and exploit the weaknesses of the women-folk. I mean this in the nicest way, of course.

For example:

• As mean as they can be upon occasion, they can't seem to resist hugging a guy holding a baby. So grab the youngest one of them and strap it to your chest with duct tape. This way they view you as sensitive and cut you some slack.

• Wear your tool belt. Even if you have no intention of fixing anything. This reminds them of how mean and profane you got that time that you hammered your thumb trying to hang a picture for them. They only like conflict if they start it, so you'll be safe for a while.

• Feign deafness. This one takes time. If they all truly believe that you can't hear very well they will talk about you even if you're in the room, and you'll discover what it was that you did wrong. I have been "deaf" for nearly 20 years, and this has saved me many times.

I have many more tips, but I believe that getting there is half the journey. If you follow the above examples, especially the last one, you'll always be on top of the situation and you will have a running start when the mob of angry Amazonian War-Witches get their hormones out of whack.

Do feel free to share your own stories and ideas.

Until then all I can say is:

"HUH?"

The Greatest Automobile Ever Designed

The Volkswagen Beetle

Total produced: 22 Million

Fact: The most commercially successful car in history.

Fact: More 30+ year old Beetles are still on the road than any other car of similar age.

Fact: Adolph Hitler commissioned Ferdinand Porshe to design the Beetle. The specs were

• Must cost less than 1000 Reichsmarks
• Must cruise at 60 MPH
• Must carry 2 adults & 3 children
• Must achieve 33 MPG

Fact: In German the word "Volkswagen" means "Peoples Car"

That's all I have to say about that !

The Great Debate Over UFOs

To Believe or Not to Believe
That Is The Question

When our world was young and darkness was still creeping over the waters, as part of our evolutionary growth (NOT Bible Lore - just early planetary formation in the cosmos as we understand it) some will tell you that suddenly single-celled amoebas began to form into complex cell creatures, eventually leading all the way to amphibious creatures, monkeys, and ultimately man.

This seems almost plausible to me with one exception. How and when did self awareness occur? Self awareness is that thing which brings conscious thought to a human being. It is why we fear for our lives, why we seek purpose for our lives, and why we still search today.

We are not like ants. We do not wake up with a purpose embedded within us to gather food and to protect the queen ant, we make decisions instead. We are aware of the possibilities, we are aware of the dangers of our decisions, and I do not believe that regardless of how many times our physical bodies evolve that we are just automatically privy to these higher thoughts.

Given the billions of stars out there, each being a sun, each having planetary celestial bodies in orbit around them, each one organic in nature, I find it absurd to assume that our earth is the only one supporting organic carbon-based life.

As for little green men - Men? Yes.
Green? Maybe.
Little? Aren't we all?

If indeed we were the only organic life in the cosmos it would be an awful waste of space, in my opinion.

I wonder what Aliens watch at the movies for entertainment ...

Hmmm.......



Let us now consider the number of sightings of UFOs. Dating back to the times we lived in caves, throughout practically every race, religion and demographic we have evidence showing that something was out there. It was almost always described and or depicted as "saucer shaped" which makes perfect sense. To enter and exit atmosphere and withstand the heat, as well as to navigate within atmosphere (air) Bernouli's Principle must be observed to generate lift. See the following illustration.


An aircraft wing is comprised of "canter" which generates lift as faster air molecules pass over the top of the wing. SO, a saucer shape is most definitely a wing, generating the necessary lift to sustain flight within out atmosphere. No scientist will argue this fact.

So now the question is
WHY Do Saucers Come To Earth?

For the same reason we send landers to Mars and probes into deep space. To learn and expand our knowledge.

So, the next time you are watching the sky and some unidentifiable object crosses your path of vision don't be afraid. Don't get a can of Raid and try to spray it, and don't discount it as just swamp gas or a weather balloon. We are NOT alone people.

We are not alone.

Stupid Pictures

Here are some of the stupidest pictures I have found lately.
Do feel free to add your own !

Beer Drinking Alabama Baby

Triplets !

Cause when you gotta go you gotta go !

Shameless Self Promotion

As I said in an earlier post I write constantly.

Over the years I have published a couple books that you might want to peek at. Personally I wouldn't buy them because I don't find them that interesting, but just in case you have more money than brainz click these links and see my books available at Amazon.

My Book "Millie Taft"

My Book "Hidden Agenda"

I also run a writers site called "MyndTyme" that you can get to by clicking the following link:

MyndTyme

Enjoy
Alien John

Merry Christmas From Hal












My pal Hal from the great state of Alabama wanted to share the first Christmas Card of the season.

Thanks buddy.

What About God?

This is no doubt one of the most widely debated topics on earth. So what about God?



I myself am agnostic at this time but as a free thinking person of will I reserve the right to change my mind.

So, just in case the big guy is watching let me apologize in advance. I wouldn't want to make you mad ! That's not a good idea. See the following statistical chart.



That being said, I cannot subscribe to any of the established religious cults that I know of at this time because I can't set aside my logic to do so and adopt simple faith in its place. I figure I will just live my life the best way I know and then pray my ass off on my deathbed if I'm so inclined at the time.

What I do feel I'm missing out on is the satisfaction and peace of mind devout believers appear to have in their faith. I'm not going to be so arrogant as to believe I know so well whats best for everyone else that I will ride a bicycle door to door for years and force people to adopt my beliefs, nor do I think that if indeed there is an all-holy entity that he would abandon me if I do not wear a funny popes hat and molest little boys.


I am simply person enough to admit that when it comes to religion, I don't know!.

I will however admit to being a spiritual person. I believe I, and everyone else on this planet, was born with the basic understanding of right and wrong. I believe that our consciences are ever at guard to let us know if we are doing the right things or not. I didn't need my ass spanked to know it was wrong to hit my sister, her crying made me feel bad and that was the good/bad thermometer. By the same token I didn't need praise when I helped someone, I felt good about my actions and that was my moral thermometer showing me right from wrong.

So for now, and for the greater part of my life so far my conscience has been my religion. That is what I call my spirituality.

Anyone reading this is welcome to comment and I am always happy to discuss differing veins of thought.

Peace